Are You Friggin' Kidding Me?

One Bostonian's Misadventures in Dating

The Not-Boyfriend, vol. 3


If you haven’t read the first few installments, here’s Vol. 1 and Vol 2.

So yea, in January, The Not-Boyfriend dumped me for the second time. I came home, had a good cry with my roommate, and moved on. I did not message him at all. Just moved right along.

Then comes Valentine’s Day. VALENTINE’S DAY.

He sends me a facebook message with a Some E-Card that says ‘Happy Van-Halentines Day!’ Not sure if he knew that Van Halen was my favorite band or not, but either way- I loved it. He referred to me as “Doll” which annoyed the hell out of the LomL, since he’s the only person that I know that refers to me as Doll or Dollface. He referenced my facebook status that I had up which was something to do with my awful haircut and my giant bruises from Muay Thai, saying that he hoped my bruises healed and “your hair was never horrendous”. He wasn’t currently aware of my recent venture into Muay Thai, so who knew what he was thinking my bruises were from. Anyway, I flipped out when I saw this message and thanked him and then mentioned that we should hit up another wing place sometime and invited him over for “Zombie Sunday” (my roommates and I used to get BBQ and watch The Walking Dead…barbaric and awesome). I figured we could be friends, but that was it. Wasn’t expecting him to agree at all.

He responds that he’d love to but then attached this message: “Or – I have a bottle of wine that has been sitting on my desk for over a year. (Can’t exactly show up to the frat house ready to party with a bottle of pinot, know what I mean?) If you ever wanted to come over and watch a movie and help me drink it you’re more than welcome to.”

WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL?! It was VALENTINE’S DAY! I knew that he more than likely didn’t mean anything by it, but I didn’t want to confuse my heart any more, so I decided that I would take him up on the offer, but not on that night. We ended up getting together a few days later and I had baked some cookies before going over there to bring him. I thought that if he was offering wine, I’d offer cookies since they are my specialty and I had told him months before that I’d make him some sometime.

Well, we drank the bottle of wine and sat on the couch in his room to watch The Big Lebowski. He sat awfully close to me and I had to keep telling myself that it was nothing.

That is until he turned around to kiss me after the movie was over. So there, my heart shatters into a million little pieces all over again because I have no idea what the hell he’s doing. I let him kiss me to see if he meant to do it, but he kept coming at me. I stopped him and asked him what he was doing and if this was all okay. He said yes, but he couldn’t have sex with me. I understood that and decided, okay why not, and let the fooling around session begin.

I hung around for a little while with him afterwards and we had this really…reallllllly awkward talk. This is the talk that basically summed up everything about him that I had sorta figured out on my own.

  • He had never even kissed a girl until winter break of his senior year of college. This is also when he started drinking alcohol.
  • He didn’t lose his virginity until after the last party of senior year of college, to some frat rat.
  • He didn’t know if he was circumcised or not and flat out asked me because he knew I wouldn’t tease him (making him comfortable with me? I don’t know…).

I just wanted to hold him right then and there and take care of him. I was so confused how someone so attractive and sweet could be so “innocent”. I guess that’s the life of being a computer nerd? Man, it really blew me away, but it made everything else make sense. Of course he wouldn’t want to be with me who’s more….experienced, we’ll say. He was scared of me. Not that I’ve been around the block a million times, but yea. I scared him, plus being H-positive was just way too much for him. Understandable.

After I left that night, we started seeing each other again. I tried to keep telling myself that it was nothing and to not get too excited about it. That was hard, seeing as he actually dropped the word “relationship” once, while joking that it would be funny if we fought over a movie and that’s what ended our relationship. Every time we hung out ended with us fooling around- with no sex (intercourse, if you will).

We went on a string of dates that included our infamous Pi Day date. I became frazzled after awhile when we’d keep hanging out, but too much time would pass between dates. He went away for what I thought was only going to be a weekend conference in Florida. It ended up being over a week and then his phone was stolen…and then he went to Colorado for a week after that. I had NO idea where he was, what was up…just over all confused and slightly hurt that he wouldn’t just say “Hey I’m going out of town to visit friends for the week”. Would have saved a LOT of craziness in my brain if he would have. Or he’d tell me things he thought I’d want to hear.


Oh, and one time he gave me a pet name.

It’s all very movie-like, right? Ugh, so stupid! It drove me insane. Especially when he FORGOT my BIRTHDAY and then FORGOT to mention that he was going to EUROPE. Luckily, while all that was going on, the Love of my Life was around and pretty much made me give up on the whole thing with The Not-Boyfriend.


And then it ended when I got that really stupid message about something on facebook, that I still don’t know what he’s referring to.


So yea. That was long winded. I could be more specific, but this post would be a mile long and honestly- it’s the same thing over and over again. When he was around, he was WONDERFUL. Then 2-3 weeks would go by before we hung out again.


Yup, glad that’s over.


Author: Jane Champagne

I'm a single late 20s chick, living in Boston. I go on a lot of horrible dates, but some good ones, too.

6 thoughts on “The Not-Boyfriend, vol. 3

  1. Ohhh. JC, you think he would have googled for pictures to see if he was circumcised or not…..

  2. You’re right, we practically ARE twins!! This kind of reminds me of “Future Hubby”. Maybe I should start calling him my “Not-Boyfriend”!
    I know curiosity killed the cat, or whatever, but I am very curious as to what it is exactly that he saw on Facebook that freaked him out. It annoys me that he supposedly saw something on there, freaked out, and that’s why he can’t talk to you or hang out with you. Seriously?!?! Something over Facebook?!
    I really wish dating was as simple as, “Hey! I like you. You like me too? Great, let’s be together.” It would definitely save us the frustration, the confusion, and most definitely the heartache. 😦

    • No kidding! I think I know what it was- I was going to a Red Sox game one night and that morning I was on facebook and saw he was tagged at this realllllly nice restaurant in Boston the night before with some girl who wrote “with the man of my dreams!” Pissed off, I wrote my facebook status “That awkward moment when you think you’re dating someone, but they’re dating someone else….yea, someone should warn Daniel Nava’s girlfriend tonight.” haha My last name on facebook is Nava, because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, so everyone was commenting on it, laughing. I’m thinking the Not-Boyfriend saw through it because that’s about the time he stopped responding.

      And yes, dating should be so easy!! I really think technology is fucking us all up. We over analyze EVERYTHING. I shouldn’t be trying to figure out what a guy means in a text message. Ugh.

      • Good for you for saying something about it!!! I would have been pissed too!! But at the same time, I think it’s kinda funny how you made the comment inevitably about Daniel Nava haha. Kind of stupid for Not-Boyfriend to automatically assume it was about him, even though it was. Even dumber of him to stop talking to you, considering HE’S the one who is in the wrong, ya know?

        Yep technology is the death of dating!!! Because of it, we’re all suspicious and over thinking things. It’s seriously ridiculous.

      • I’d love to actually bitch him out, but it wouldn’t phase him. He’s really close to his sisters and his mom- I just want to be like ‘what if some guy treated your sisters like the way you treat me?’ It probably would have hit him hard.

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