Are You Friggin' Kidding Me?

One Bostonian's Misadventures in Dating

Why I’m Undateable

33 Comments

So this post is a long time coming and I’m still freaking out about actually posting it. I thought about password protecting it and have you all request the password from me so I’d “know” who was reading, but what the hell…I’ll just get on with it.

 

I joke with everyone that I’m undateable. Keep in mind that I’m not willing to change any of these things about me for any guy, so I’m fine with being alone if that means I get to be happy being me.  I’m not whining about being single.

It’s not that I’m picky, it’s that I’m so eclectic that it’s hard to find someone to match me. I live for sports, but am a band nerd. I enjoy math and English and science. I love all types of music and movies. It’s hard to find someone that is as well rounded as me, that I’m attracted to.

I’m quite dorky, but I think most people find it charming.

Also, I guess I’m quite intimidating, which seems to turn off a lot of guys:

  • I spent 7 years in the Army after doing basic training twice. Yes, twice. Hoo-friggin-ah. No, not really. I got hurt and had to stay longer. Woo. Anyway, I learned in the Army that I really like shooting things. So I have a lot of targets hanging around from awesome shooting days.
  • As I’ve mentioned before, I am learning Muay Thai. If you didn’t read that post, Muay Thai is Thai boxing. It’s pretty bad ass, I won’t lie. Basically, if you’re seen a UFC or MMA fight, you’ve seen some Muay Thai action. An actual Muay Thai fight is different, but the moves are used in Mixed Martial Arts frequently. I’ve been learning since February
  • I am a huge sports nerd. Mostly baseball, more specifically, the Red Sox. I can out talk most guys I meet when it comes to sports. However, this love of sports has friend zoned me quite a bit. I end up being the little sister in a group of guys usually, which is okay mostly.

 

 

And for the bombshell. I know that you guys have been waiting for this for awhile, but as soon as you read it, you’ll understand why I’ve been keeping it to myself. I’ve been debating writing about it and not writing about it, but it keeps coming up in every relationship I’ve had while here in Boston, so I need to just come out with it.

For those of you that read this that know me in person, I hope you’ll keep it to yourselves. However, I realize that it almost doesn’t matter anymore if people know. I’m out of college and have been for some time. Most of the people that I wouldn’t want to know about this aren’t in my life anymore anyway. So here it goes:

In 2007-2008, I dated this guy while he was in Iraq. Well, mostly, I held out for him while anxiously awaiting his return so that we could move our relationship along. He came back and after seeing him a few times (and realizing that this was going nowhere), I found myself in and out of the hospital for a week around March-April. I was in the absolute WORST pain of my life. Turns out, my super awesome hot sort of boyfriend was not so super awesome. He had given me genital herpes and I was in the middle of my initial outbreak.

Yay, awesome, right? When I called to tell him, he yelled at me, accusing me of sleeping around while he was in Iraq, calling me a bunch of different names. Way to be a hero, champ. (Best part is that 6-7 months later, he messaged me to tell me about his son being born. Who cheated on who now?)

So yea. There it is. I have HSV-2, or Genital Herpes Simplex Virus.

What does this mean? Well, to be honest, it really isn’t the end of the world. It’s insane how many people have it. Even more insane is how many people have it and don’t know and are constantly giving it to other people. THIS is what frustrates me.

I could probably write a whole post on HSV myths and statistics.

  • You can’t really get tested for it.
  • It’s obviously contagious during an outbreak, but can also be contagious when you’re not showing symptoms (which is the scary part). It’s very rare to spread it that way though.
  • Outbreaks are triggered by stress usually (it’s a virus that lies dormant in your nervous system).
  • I’ve only had one outbreak in almost 5 years, which was the initial outbreak. This decreases my chances of spreading it to anyone and also decreases my chances of having another outbreak.
  • I’ve read several different factoids lately, changing the percentage of people that have it. Some sites say 1 in 6 people, some say 1 in 4. I read a stat recently that said 80% of sexually active people over the age of 12 have it. In any case, a LOT of people have it.
  • Most people who have it don’t even know it. You can have it for years with out ever showing symptoms.
  • There’s no 100% way to ensure you don’t spread it. Condoms help, but they’re not 100%.
  • There are medications to help suppress symptoms and to make it even less contagious, but they are expensive and usually not covered by insurance
  • It’s actually easier to catch it from someone that “doesn’t” have it than it is to catch it from someone who is diagnosed with it. Mostly because the person who doesn’t think they have it doesn’t know what to look for or what to do with it. I’m constantly checking myself and am aware of my entire body and stress levels. I’m ultra-careful.

So this is why my dating life is so complicated, aside from the other freak shows that I meet. I have to time the conversation with each guy just right. Can’t mention it on a first date- it’ll scare them off. Can’t mention it too late- then I’ve manipulated them. I’m careful to tell each guy I’m about to get physical with so they can make an informed decision, but sometimes that doesn’t even work.

So now that you know, you probably understand the issues I’ve had with some of these guys, like the Not-Boyfriend and Jeff Goldblum Boyfriend.

Is there anything else you’d like to know about it? I’m willing to write a whole separate post, if you’re interested.

 

 

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Author: Jane Champagne

I'm a single late 20s chick, living in Boston. I go on a lot of horrible dates, but some good ones, too.

33 thoughts on “Why I’m Undateable

  1. I’m curious why you say you can’t really be tested for it. I’ve tested positive for HSV 2 antibodies via blood (with no outbreak ever). I’ve also researched it and never found anything that said you can’t really be tested for it… And I think it makes dating more complicated, but I have a friend who has it and is now living with a guy AND she has a daughter already… I told my ex about the positive blood test for it, but he didn’t seem too concerned. And he had dated somebody in the past who had active outbreaks still.

    • Well, yes, there are obviously tests. However, when I went into denial a year after my diagnosis, they told me that I couldn’t be tested. Also, I’ve researched that most doctors don’t do it because most people have it and that if you’ve had chicken pox or cold sores, you’ll test positive. Either way, I’ve been in relationships since I’ve been diagnosed, so I know that eventually things will work out 🙂

      • Chicken pox is a different kind of herpes virus than simplex 1 or 2, and cold sores are typically type 1. I just find it odd that my results were specific for type 2 if you can’t be tested for it. (This isn’t mean to be arguementative. I haven’t done a ton of research on it other than basic stuff that did say you CAN be tested for the specific virus.)

      • I’ve done a ton of research and I could be wrong. However, these are mostly things that different doctors have told me.

  2. girl, you rock. that was a way ballsy post to write. my BF has it. she got it from her long-term boyfriend who liked to hire nasty ‘tang. she’s still with him because she is afraid she will never get laid again because of it. nice, right? it is a super complicated issue. Most guys will freak out because of ignorance and being scared. don’t lose hope though. you are a super lady, and eventually, a fantastic guy will recognize that.

  3. Oh, JC. That is tricky. It is good that you are always honest about your HSV before having sex. I think a lot of people wouldn’t be. And it’s all you can do. Just tell the guy and let him make an “informed” choice. It’s the right thing to do, and if it costs you sex here and there, that’s just the way it is. Your integrity is way more important than meaningless booty. Anyway, for what it’s worth, I think *I* would still go down on you.

    As for all the other stuff, you’re kind of a bad-ass. I like a girl who can protect me. 😉

  4. First off, let me commend you on being able to finally tackle this topic and for being so honest with not only everyone, like myself, that subscribes to your blog, but also for being honest with people you know in person. I know that subjects such as these can be so hard because people are so judgmental and cruel. So you’re awesome for being so open and I’m so glad that you finally wrote about this!!

    This is gonna sound super lesbian, but if I was a dude I would TOTALLY date you!! Any guy who is intimidated by you because of your superior knowledge of sports or the fact that you were in the army and like shooting stuff, or the fact that you are into Muy Thai has raisins for balls and needs to man the fuck up!! You’re amazing and have so much going for you…that’s so attractive!! Any guy would be lucky to have you!! =) I’m sure having HSV is definitely an issue, but like you said a ton of people have it. As long as you keep staying open and honest with every guy you’re with, I don’t think it should be a problem. Again, raisins for balls if they don’t know how to deal with it!!

    And lastly, thank you for keeping true to you and not changing for any guy. There are too many women in this world who are so desperate to be with someone that they’ll change everything about themselves just to be with them. Strong women unite!! 😉

    • Awww thanks lady! 🙂 It’s a serious thing, but I’m not too worried about it all. Eventually, I’ll find someone super enough to deal with it. 🙂

  5. you should write a seperate post on it… if it is that common we all need to know more about it. thanks for sharing your story and if more people had the guts to do this we would all be safer at the end of the day. so many seem to not think condoms or asking about sexual health is a necessary part of dating… its scary.

  6. Hello! I realize this is kind of off-topic however I needed to ask. Does operating a well-established website like yours require a massive amount work? I am completely new to blogging but I do write in my diary every day. I’d like to start a blog so I will be able to share my experience and feelings online. Please let me know if you have any kind of suggestions or tips for new aspiring blog owners. Appreciate it!

    • It does take a little bit of time out of my day to keep up with the blogging, and I don’t do as well as I could, but it’s a lot of fun. You can do it! 🙂

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  8. I’m glad you’re being out there with your diagnosis. So many people suffer with HSV1 or 2 and feel they have to hide away from the world. It is true that many people won’t be able to handle it when they find out, but there are so many that will. My post, “I have herpes. What do I do now?”, (http://collegerelationships.wordpress.com/2011/04/15/i-have-herpes-what-do-i-do-now/) is always the top read post on my blog (18,600 hits in 18 months) and has about 150 comments. I hope your courage to speak up will help many out there who are still suffering in silence and shame.

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  11. Just catching up on your blog and wanted to let you know what a brave chick you are. *hugs* It is great that you have informed yourself and are truthful with any guy you might get physical with. I am sure there are many people (Like Iraq guy?) who would not want to face it so bravely and actually deal with it in a mature way. Good for you.

  12. Very commendable. It takes brave people like you to help erase stigmas.

  13. I appreciate your candor on this subject. I am also a 20-something living with herpes. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 4 years, and after getting back together, I was diagnosed via blood test. Then he had an outbreak and was diagnosed via visual test only. In the end I was pretty sure it was him who affected me. As our relationship starts to get rocky again, I have been imagining dating with this extra baggage. Once I had felt close enough with a guy that I could tell him, and he seemed to react pretty well at first, and then cut off all communication. Makes me scared to death to even imagine dating again. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your stories. It means a lot to know I am not alone.

    • I’m so sorry to hear your story! It’s an awful thing to happen, but remember it’s not the end of the world. I’m glad my story made you feel better. I promise, not every guy thinks it’s all that horrible. The guy I’m seeing now, when I told him, basically shrugged it off. Things will get better!!

  14. Kudos to you for being honest about this!

  15. There is a lot worse than herpes and those who you tell who don’t stick around probably never intended on a long term relationship to begin with. Try Aids or syphilis or what I have which is pelvic floor dysfunction, as those people can’t even have sex. But STD’s aside, undateable might include the chronically unemployed, disabled, and ugly. Herpes is no joke, but it’s a walk in the park compared to some of these other possibilities. Still it is admirable to be able to talk about such a taboo subject.

    • I agree with you. I don’t honestly think that I’m undateable. However, it IS an issue that comes up in every relationship I begin, so it does make things difficult. Could be a lot worse though. I’m sorry for your situation.

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  17. Well whaddaya know? You are a total badass, and dealing with the same shit as I am 🙂
    And I get what you mean about not being able to be tested; they told me they could do a blood test, but they wouldn’t do it. I had to go back in, and even then they were dismissive. And then I was right.
    I really hate that talk though, that’s why I don’t pursue dating anymore. It’s just awkward, assuming that a total stranger will be cool with it.
    Anyway, thanks for sharing and being so awesome about it. I love reading your stuff!!
    And I’m so jealous of you for living in Boston, and working at Fenway!!

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