Fair warning: This is a loaded post. I’ve waited a bit to write this until I wasn’t so over emotional (HA!), but also because my computer is (hopefully) in the middle of being repaired (or dying, most likely).
I’ll write it in chronological order, so hopefully you’ll be able to keep up. However, you will need some sort of backstory.
After high school, I joined the Army National Guard. I did a year of college and then shipped off to basic training for the summer. When I went to my Advanced Individual Training (AIT), I met The Battle Buddy. Or The Back-Up Plan. Or The Love of my Life. He’s all of those in one, but we’ll get there. Basically, I became really close with this kid there and we kept in touch pretty well from then. Now, this is not a common thing in the Army. People don’t really keep in touch after basic training/AIT. This is also right before facebook came out, so it’s a little more commonplace now, but people in always think I’m strange when I say “oh hold on, my BFF from basic training is calling”. Anyway, we’ve been super close since then (2004) and talk at least weekly. A couple years ago, we joked that if we weren’t married by the time we were 30-35ish, that we’d just get married, hence The Back-Up Plan. Now that I’m in Boston and he’s back home in New Jersey, we talk almost daily. He even came up here in February for the night, which led to mostly just us giggling in shock that we were actually together in the same room after 7 years, and then a really fun session (or five) in the bedroom. Beyond our primal attraction/relationship that’s mostly sex, we have a very strong friendship and I can honestly say that I love this guy. Not in that crazy “OMG I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU” way, but in a very solid “I care very much about you and you mean a lot to me” kind of way. If that makes sense. Thus deeming him The Love of my Life (LomL from now on), but more on that later.
So alright, back to last week. The last time I had seen the Not-Boyfriend was when he gave me my pet name. I had invited him to a Red Sox game (BIG deal when it comes to hanging out with me) and he said maybe. The next week, I asked him if he planned on going (two days before the game) and he said “oh no, sorry doll, can’t make it :-/”. I was annoyed, because it took me asking him for him to say no, but oh well. Over the weekend, we sent some messages back and forth (just funny jokes mostly). On Sunday, I invited him out to dinner and drinks with me and never heard from him. Okay, lame, but it’s okay. On Monday, he wrote on my facebook wall (some stupid Hipster thing, since everyone jokes that I’m the Hipster Queen…), so I sent him a message asking “Hey, any chance you can pencil me in this week?”. Not even two minutes later, I get a text message from the LomL saying “Hey, I have Wednesday and Thursday off. Want some company this week?” I quickly jumped on that, worked out a plan for him to arrive on my doorstep at 4am on Wednesday morning and got extra keys made so he could leave my apartment while I was at work, and then got hit with this extreme guilty pang. What about the Not-Boyfriend? I knew that part of the LomL’s visit would include sex, for sure. What if he messaged me back saying he could hang out and I would be like “well this other dude is staying with me all week, sooooo uhhhh sorry dude”? Would he consider this cheating? What’s worse is that I was ANGRY at myself for feeling guilty. He had ignored my last messages completely! Why should I feel guilty for having one of my BEST friends come visit me and enjoying myself when he can’t give me two seconds to send a text back? I went to the gym, punched it out (I do Muay Thai/mixed martial arts), and waited for my “love” to arrive, promptly even, at 4am. Note: He left work at 11pm, grabbed his stuff, and booked it up here in the middle of the night in the middle of a HUGE rainstorm. To see me. ME.
So our visit was completely amazing, albeit short. We joked that we went from nothing to Long Term Relationship Status instantly. It was really awesome just having him around. My roommate even noticed that I seemed happier, and even she was happy listening to us talking/giggling in my room. He’s one of the FEW people that doesn’t judge me…that I know of any way, which is fine by me. I mean, he knows all my dirty secrets and I’m assuming I know most of his. Neither of us are in any place to judge each other, haha. We can go from a raunchy conversation to an intelligent one to a geek session in no time at all and seamlessly. We’re constantly laughing with each other and I generally just enjoy him. I felt no guilt at all while he was here in regards to the Not-Boyfriend. Our visit left me sleep deprived, since I just wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, but it was well worth it. And the sex, of course, was fun.
When he left on Friday morning, I was pretty emo about it. It sucked in general, seeing one of my BEST friends leave after such a short visit. And then everything hit me all at once. I was back in reality world (back to roommate drama, health issues, Not-Boyfriend problems, etc) and it just sucked.
The biggest part of all of this was realizing “Oh whoa, it’s been over a week and still no word at all from the Not-Boyfriend”. (I mean, it’s been another week already and still, NOTHING. Not at all!) While the LomL was here, we discussed it (he knew all the drama with him anyway and had his own opinion of the guy). So after the LomL left, I thought about it.
Let’s assume that the LomL and I didn’t have the friendship that we do and it was only just about sex. He drove up here, 5 hours, in the middle of the night, in a rainstorm, to be here. He sat in my drama filled apartment for 2 days while I was at work (sleeping mostly, but he brought his work with him, too). He spent time with me in public, in front of people, and talked to my roommates. All for me. Now, it’s not really fair to compare any guy I date to this guy (you can’t compete with a s olid 8 year friendship like ours…), but really? The Not-Boyfriend can’t even take two minutes to say “Hey, I don’t want to hang out with you”. We’ve been off and on, mostly off, since August, meaning it’s been almost a year of this crap. Now, I understand that I have my baggage that he can’t deal with, but IT’S BEEN A YEAR.
So I believe it’s time to cut ties with the Not-Boyfriend. It sucks, I don’t really want to, but I think I have no choice. Pretty much, I’m just trying to decide whether or not to tell him or just to keep it quiet, wait for him to message me and THEN let him have it. I’m going with the latter for now, while I’m still feeling somewhat strong and empowered.
However, as for the LomL, he’s back in New Jersey, and it’ll probably be a while before I get to see him again. I’m hoping to go to New York City for some Muay Thai stuff, which means a quick visit with him on the side, but we’ll see how it goes. And as far as him actually being the Love of my Life, I hope you realize that it’s just a phrase I’m using (we say it to each other all the time, in joking). While I know that I would be happy having an actual relationship with him, he’d be settling for me and would probably be unhappy in the end. And don’t worry, that’s not me being emo and down on myself about it (well, maybe a little…), it’s just fact. I know his type and what he wants, and I’m not it. However, we’ll see in a few years if we end up eloping just to get some tax breaks and to pass down our awesome genes, haha.
Any advice on the Not-Boyfriend would be much welcomed, by the way.