Are You Friggin' Kidding Me?

One Bostonian's Misadventures in Dating

The Battle Buddy. (or The Back-Up Plan. or The Love of my Life.) Or, the end of the Not-Boyfriend.


Fair warning: This is a loaded post. I’ve waited a bit to write this until I wasn’t so over emotional (HA!), but also because my computer is (hopefully) in the middle of being repaired (or dying, most likely).

I’ll write it in chronological order, so hopefully you’ll be able to keep up. However, you will need some sort of backstory.

After high school, I joined the Army National Guard. I did a year of college and then shipped off to basic training for the summer. When I went to my Advanced Individual Training (AIT), I met The Battle Buddy. Or The Back-Up Plan. Or The Love of my Life. He’s all of those in one, but we’ll get there. Basically, I became really close with this kid there and we kept in touch pretty well from then. Now, this is not a common thing in the Army. People don’t really keep in touch after basic training/AIT. This is also right before facebook came out, so it’s a little more commonplace now, but people in always think I’m strange when I say “oh hold on, my BFF from basic training is calling”. Anyway, we’ve been super close since then (2004) and talk at least weekly. A couple years ago, we joked that if we weren’t married by the time we were 30-35ish, that we’d just get married, hence The Back-Up Plan. Now that I’m in Boston and he’s back home in New Jersey, we talk almost daily. He even came up here in February for the night, which led to mostly just us giggling in shock that we were actually together in the same room after 7 years, and then a really fun session (or five) in the bedroom. Beyond our primal attraction/relationship that’s mostly sex, we have a very strong friendship and I can honestly say that I love this guy. Not in that crazy “OMG I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU” way, but in a very solid “I care very much about you and you mean a lot to me” kind of way. If that makes sense. Thus deeming him The Love of my Life (LomL from now on), but more on that later.

So alright, back to last week. The last time I had seen the Not-Boyfriend was when he gave me my pet name. I had invited him to a Red Sox game (BIG deal when it comes to hanging out with me) and he said maybe. The next week, I asked him if he planned on going (two days before the game) and he said “oh no, sorry doll, can’t make it :-/”. I was annoyed, because it took me asking him for him to say no, but oh well. Over the weekend, we sent some messages back and forth (just funny jokes mostly). On Sunday, I invited him out to dinner and drinks with me and never heard from him. Okay, lame, but it’s okay. On Monday, he wrote on my facebook wall (some stupid Hipster thing, since everyone jokes that I’m the Hipster Queen…), so I sent him a message asking “Hey, any chance you can pencil me in this week?”. Not even two minutes later, I get a text message from the LomL saying “Hey, I have Wednesday and Thursday off. Want some company this week?” I quickly jumped on that, worked out a plan for him to arrive on my doorstep at 4am on Wednesday morning and got extra keys made so he could leave my apartment while I was at work, and then got hit with this extreme guilty pang. What about the Not-Boyfriend? I knew that part of the LomL’s visit would include sex, for sure. What if he messaged me back saying he could hang out and I would be like “well this other dude is staying with me all week, sooooo uhhhh sorry dude”? Would he consider this cheating? What’s worse is that I was ANGRY at myself for feeling guilty. He had ignored my last messages completely! Why should I feel guilty for having one of my BEST friends come visit me and enjoying myself when he can’t give me two seconds to send a text back? I went to the gym, punched it out (I do Muay Thai/mixed martial arts), and waited for my “love” to arrive, promptly even, at 4am. Note: He left work at 11pm, grabbed his stuff, and booked it up here in the middle of the night in the middle of a HUGE rainstorm. To see me. ME.

So our visit was completely amazing, albeit short. We joked that we went from nothing to Long Term Relationship Status instantly. It was really awesome just having him around. My roommate even noticed that I seemed happier, and even she was happy listening to us talking/giggling in my room. He’s one of the FEW people that doesn’t judge me…that I know of any way, which is fine by me. I mean, he knows all my dirty secrets and I’m assuming I know most of his. Neither of us are in any place to judge each other, haha. We can go from a raunchy conversation to an intelligent one to a geek session in no time at all and seamlessly. We’re constantly laughing with each other and I generally just enjoy him. I felt no guilt at all while he was here in regards to the Not-Boyfriend. Our visit left me sleep deprived, since I just wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, but it was well worth it. And the sex, of course, was fun.

When he left on Friday morning, I was pretty emo about it. It sucked in general, seeing one of my BEST friends leave after such a short visit. And then everything hit me all at once. I was back in reality world (back to roommate drama, health issues, Not-Boyfriend problems, etc) and it just sucked.

The biggest part of all of this was realizing “Oh whoa, it’s been over a week and still no word at all from the Not-Boyfriend”. (I mean, it’s been another week already and still, NOTHING. Not at all!) While the LomL was here, we discussed it (he knew all the drama with him anyway and had his own opinion of the guy). So after the LomL left, I thought about it.

Let’s assume that the LomL and I didn’t have the friendship that we do and it was only just about sex. He drove up here, 5 hours, in the middle of the night, in a rainstorm, to be here. He sat in my drama filled apartment for 2 days while I was at work (sleeping mostly, but he brought his work with him, too). He spent time with me in public, in front of people, and talked to my roommates. All for me. Now, it’s not really fair to compare any guy I date to this guy (you can’t compete with a s olid 8 year friendship like ours…), but really? The Not-Boyfriend can’t even take two minutes to say “Hey, I don’t want to hang out with you”. We’ve been off and on, mostly off, since August, meaning it’s been almost a year of this crap. Now, I understand that I have my baggage that he can’t deal with, but IT’S BEEN A YEAR.

So I believe it’s time to cut ties with the Not-Boyfriend. It sucks, I don’t really want to, but I think I have no choice. Pretty much, I’m just trying to decide whether or not to tell him or just to keep it quiet, wait for him to message me and THEN let him have it. I’m going with the latter for now, while I’m still feeling somewhat strong and empowered.

However, as for the LomL, he’s back in New Jersey, and it’ll probably be a while before I get to see him again. I’m hoping to go to New York City for some Muay Thai stuff, which means a quick visit with him on the side, but we’ll see how it goes. And as far as him actually being the Love of my Life, I hope you realize that it’s just a phrase I’m using (we say it to each other all the time, in joking). While I know that I would be happy having an actual relationship with him, he’d be settling for me and would probably be unhappy in the end. And don’t worry, that’s not me being emo and down on myself about it (well, maybe a little…), it’s just fact. I know his type and what he wants, and I’m not it. However, we’ll see in a few years if we end up eloping just to get some tax breaks and to pass down our awesome genes, haha.


Any advice on the Not-Boyfriend would be much welcomed, by the way.


Author: Jane Champagne

I'm a single late 20s chick, living in Boston. I go on a lot of horrible dates, but some good ones, too.

22 thoughts on “The Battle Buddy. (or The Back-Up Plan. or The Love of my Life.) Or, the end of the Not-Boyfriend.

  1. Ohh a best friend that you like sex with. Not-boyfriend who??

    • If he lived closer, it would be a no brainer. Or if he had a more normal work schedule so I could see him more often. But yea, Not-Boyfriend Who exactly πŸ™‚

  2. Yeah I’d definitely say do it for the tax breaks, or maybe a really good “get married on a cruise line” deal or something.

    • We’ve already planned the whole wedding, just have to go through with it. Star Wars themed, in case you’re wondering. πŸ˜€

  3. If you are lucky enough to feel that kind of connection with another human being, platonic, sexual or any combo therein, as you do with the army guy; consider yourself fortunate.

    If any human being treats you will the inconsideration as the not-boyfriend has for months; why bother? You call him the “not boyfriend” for crying out loud.

    And do what feels right in your gut, about contacting/not contacting NB. My opinion is to be prepared for him to not acknowledge any “news” ushare with him. It is a pattern.

    Good luck with it all.

    • I do consider myself very fortunate to have him in my life in any capacity. πŸ™‚

      The Not-Boyfriend is completely out of the picture. Hooray! I agree with you; he’d ignore any message I’d send to him anyway.


  4. Phase out the non-boyfriend guy who doesn’t respond back to you. As far as your bestie, he sounds great! See where it leads but continue keeping your options open with guys that are local and maybe, just maybe, the distance between bestie and you will close in time :o) Also, don’t ever think you are not up to par with someone’s standards… keep being you!

    • Not-Boyfriend phased out. I’d love for the bestie to become something else, but it’s just not in the cards for now. I’m also perfectly happy to just have him in my life at all, so if BFF is all I get, that’s fine.

      And it’s not that I don’t meet his standards- I just know that there are certain things he’s looking for that I don’t fit. Same thing goes for me with him, but I’m more laid back about it. It’s all good.

  5. I have to agree with the masses here: Not-Boyfriend sounds like he should be a Not-Spend-Time-With-Guy too.

    Sounds like you might want to consider LomL more than a backup plan. And MAD PROPS for the Star Wars wedding idea!

  6. so the non-boyfriend should be non existing, a simple phone call or atleast a cup of coffee should have been what he should have done to atleast cut ties if he wanted to. so you should now consider him a non-man and just a boy!! keep you head up and Loml will be the loml always no matter what!!!! you may say he has a certain type that is not you, but seems to me like you are his type. Live your life, Love your Sox and someday you will be Mrs. Loml. P.S. miss Boston so much and can’t wait to someday move back!!!!!!

    • Yea, he should have manned up and said something to me (especially since he’s big on what a “man” should or shouldn’t do. Oh well. I’ve got the LomL no matter what πŸ™‚

      Hope you move back to Boston someday! It’s the best city in the US!

  7. So my opinion on this is going to be completely different than everyone else’s when it comes to Not-Boyfriend. I’ve been in that situation SO many times, and it really sucks because you really like them, care about them…whatever…but then they pull this “I’m not going to talk to her right now” shit and you just want to wring their necks!! In fact, I am going through that with “Mr. Big (Present)” right now. Anywhoo, it sounds like you already phased out Not-Boyfriend, but I was going to say I wouldn’t phase him out completely. That’s not to say you should completely be there for him either, but basically I would just treat him like any other person, with no special considerations or anything. While phasing people out is probably the healthiest, treating them in a cordial manner (I feel) is more powerful because then they realize that something went wrong, whether you still care about them or not. The fact is, you’re affecting them and it kills them. Phasing them out, I feel, is what they expect. Being cordial, is unexpected. I completely agree with what you said about waiting until he messages you and then letting him have it, or you could just act like the incident didn’t bother you, but at the same time, don’t treat him with any special consideration…if any of that makes sense. I’m all about the revenge aspect/giving people what they deserve, if you couldn’t tell haha.

    As far as LomL, those type of guys are always the best =). But I feel you on the whole you not being his type, and he not being yours…ironically I feel the same way with the guys in my life that are the same way.

    Sorry this was all so long haha. Good luck with whatever it is you decide to do!!! I’m looking forward to reading the follow-up!!

    • Oh trust me, I SOOOOO bad want to yell and scream at him. I am so bitter lately (mostly because I’m figuring out that he’s seeing someone else, which would have been fine if he would have just said “no thanks” to me….) so I’m just ANGRY. The whole situation sucks, but I know that he won’t answer me if I try to talk to him. And I’m also scared that I might start crying because I have all these feelings and I don’t know how they’ll surface if I confront him. I do think I’ll be sending him a message that says “Sooooo I assume you’re not going to that Red Sox-Yankees game with me in July. And not for anything, but you could have just said you didn’t want to hang out anymore” and then leave it at that. We’ll see.

      Annnnnd the LomL. We’ll see what happens there. haha πŸ™‚

      • I think that would be a good message to send him. That’s so irritating and immature of him to do, I feel like guys think us ladies are a lot weaker than we really are and that the truth will make us crazy or something. If only they put it in their feeble minds that we’d rather hear the truth than receive some stupid excuse or, in this case, no answer at all. It would make things so much simpler!! But I’m sorry all this happened, you deserve better =). Besides, you know sooner or later he’s going to come running back to you (they always do) and then you can have the upper hand!!

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